chemo… therapy?? really?

Note: Just for laughs—no offense intended! You have been warned…

What do you think of when you hear the word “therapy?” Something “therapeutic”, right? Something with a good effect—like massage therapy, aroma therapy, cinnamon roll therapy (I made that one up), or even get-away-to-a-carribean-island therapy (that one too!) These things are therapeutic—things that relieve disorders, provide rest to the body and soul. You know—therapy. Good word.

So after a treatment of “chemo-therapy” I’ve really been racking my brain for what disorders this therapeutic treatment has relieved. As I prepare for round two, it occurred to me that this special “vacation-like” treatment was therapeutic in ways I did not expect. It relieved problems I’d been living with all my life and didn’t even know about! Here are the disorders that chemo-”therapy” was very effective at relieving, almost instantly.

Food Taste Disorder—if you can actually taste food when you eat it, this therapy is very effective at relieving this distracting aspect of eating. The benefits of tastelessness are beyond just the social stigma of being, well… tasteless. Consider that no matter how bad a cook your wife is, your troubles are essentially gone. Taste buds—toast! Viola! No more fear of bad meals. Excellent!

Food Settling Disorder—if your food tends to stay in your stomach after you eat it, and then proceed through your digestive tract predictably, this therapy will stop this disorder completely. Think about it, usually when you swallow something, it’s gone. Gone for good. But chemo fixes this. Swallowing is no longer such a final decision. There’s always the chance for reconsideration. “Wait, did I really want that in my stomach? Naaa…”

Hairy-Human Disorder—if you have pesky hair that tends to stick to your body, constantly needing grooming, combing, spraying, readjusting, curling, cutting, styling, coloring, perming, and endless washing then you need chemo! This therapy will, within just a few treatments, completely relieve this annoying disorder. Not a single follicle will be left frolicking in your entire physical composition. Think about it. What do you do when you get a hair in your food at a restaurant? Freak out, send the meal back, right? Demand a free desert, right? Well, look in the mirror—it’s all over you! Ugh! Chemo-therapy is the perfect solution.

Reserve Energy Disorder—most people who have this disorder, don’t even realize they have it. Here’s the test. Could you go without eating in the next hour, and still have the energy you need to function for a next few hours? If so, you have reserve energy disorder! Chemo therapy will cure this instantly and make every bite of food essential for energy almost immediately. Get rid of that excess energy and start burning everything you eat right away. It’s a real rush!

Extra White Blood Cell Disorder—most people go through life with enough white blood cells to minimize the risks and excitement of living on the immune-system ragged edge! What a waste of good white blood cells. What a missed opportunity to life by faith! What a waste of valuable body processes in producing white blood cells to fight off adventures in health risks! Chemo will take you right back to the edge where the immune system is forced to earn it’s keep. With all the modern day love of extreme sports, this therapy is becoming ever more popular among the younger set.

Flush Color Disorder—have you ever wondered how Uncle Fester maintained that pasty, milky-white skin tone and powdery-soft flesh composition? Are you tired of looking like the rest of your ethnic set with abnormally colorful flesh tones in your face and limbs? Fester knew long ago the benefits of this powerful therapy. You too can “look pasty different!”

Predictably Feeling Good Disorder—if you have slipped into the habit of feeling good predictably, relief is on the way! With chemo, you won’t know what hit you! You will feel like crud once again and goodness will be much less predictable and more easy to actually appreciate rather than take for granted.

Lost Metal Taste Disorder—in some human beings, that normal metallic battery taste that resides 24/7 in the mouth can erode away. When it leaves, it can actually be very difficult to achieve with anything except a nine-volt battery touched directly to the tongue. Many have tried to retrieve this taste to no avail. Even metal flavored gums and mints fall short of full fulfillment. Fret no more! Chemo is proven effective in most recipients to return that high-voltage, natural metal taste quickly and satisfyingly! Your taste buds will thank you.

Also, a few participants actually experience deeper relief of lesser known disorders, like the relief of excess heart and lung functions, but not everybody is so fortunate.

THERAPY… relief of disorders… is on it’s way. If you suffer from these horrific disorders, chemo-therapy has been especially designed to bring sweet relief effectively and with minimal side effects. The primary side effect of this therapy is that it kills cancer, which in most recipients actually turns out to be a benefit.

So, the next time you are considering your range of options for therapeutic treatment—like massage, aroma, etc.—consider chemo-therapy! It might be perfect for your range of disorders.

I make a motion we remove the word therapy! Not even “treatment” should be allowed. Here is a range of better names for consideration:

chemo-attack, chemo-strike, chemo-assault, chemo-hit, chemo-zap, chemo-wallop, chemo-clobber, chemo-siege, chemo-invasion. I like clobber and wallop personally!

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4 Responses to chemo… therapy?? really?

  1. Joe Wheaton says:

    Praying for you, but this was pretty funny in a way.

  2. Trisha Klein says:

    Hey Cary!! Enjoyed your post. But truly hope you are doing well in spite of it all. Hope you have a lovely family and a wonderful attitude. Love you.

  3. Jennifer McCary says:

    I so enjoyed this post. I wish I could bring you to work and introduce you to some of my patients. They could all use a dose of Cary Schmidt’s Chemo -clobber! I sincerely am going to start handing out this web-site for attitude adjustments and reality checks! What an awesome patient model you are. I would NEVER wish this trial on anyone but from where I sit your can-do attitude is amazing…i’m sure that you have down times but you sure can’t tell. Continuing to pray for you and your wonderful family.

  4. Tracy Dizon says:

    Haha I always wondered why they called it “chemo ‘therapy’” This also reminded me of what my mom went through when she had cancer when I was in third grade.. But I think that it’s so awesome for someone like you to have an attitude like this while you’re going through this type of trial! My family prays for you daily!
    -Tracy Dizon

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